Cover me in white clay

I'm going to the doctors in a bit to get my SI looked at
My hands is very swollen and painful and I've put it off for over a week and it's not got any better so trying to be sensible and get it properly sorted out
I managed to get up and dressed today and go into town for an hour with my mum and newphew
My parents have no idea how bads things are for me right now and I think it's putting on a huge strain on our relationship
Which isn't great at the best of times
I'm trying so hard to fight through but I'm just exhausted
The noise in my head won't stop drumming
The thoughts of drowning and poisoning myself are still very strong and turn into graphic images I see myself dead all the time and it looks so fucking perfect and peaceful
The bugs under my skin won't stip infesting my blood
The 'proper' flashbacks and memories and dissociation are unbearable
I want to self harm pretty much constantly
I just don't feel like I can do anything to make it better
I just feel so fucking trapped in my own head
I'm seeing my CPN tomorrow but I'm not expected anything to come of it
I just feel.... compelely fucking hopeless and lost