Adrift

'I can't sleep these days
and my blues they won't go away
so these little pills I've been taking
my doctor she says they're safe
but I've been sleepwalking down to the lake
and waking up in the water'

For the past few days I've hallucinated different ways of committing suicide, in vivid detail, exactly how it looks, what I would have to do, how long I would have to stay underwater, how many pills I would have to take, how high a building I would have to jump off... The thing is, I don't really want to die, I just keep seeing it. Hearing noises in the wall and bugs under my skin... I can't make anything out, except these visions of death, everything else is a blur, white noise.

I can't keep going like this. I just can't. But I am so quiet, contained, sane, that all this shit doesn't even register, no one can tell, fuck it I can't even tell when I look the in the mirror. A part of me wishes I could lose that control, that I could just start screaming and crying and throwing myself off bridges and into lakes, but I'm not like that, I just keep it all inside, drink and cut and burn and try and numb myself from it.