Do you remember the first time?

I had a good talk with my CPN, she didn't make me feel like I was pathetic for hurting over the past, I think she just has a better way of wording things than the woman I see at home, so even though nothing has actually change (I'm not getting more help/meds) I leave feeling like I've at least had a bit of an off-loading session. I haven't managed to talk about the intense drowning fantasies I'm having, although I did say I've been feel suicidal, so it's all the same thing really I guess. Although the drowning thing is more of an obbsession, I get such graphic dreams and visions of it... I'm hearing dead babies crying in the walls, and this fog of black dust falls of the ceiling and goes into my mouth and chokes me. I'm self-harming on and off all day, trying to resist the urge to really fuck myself up.

The more I think about it, the more I think that I want to go back on my old meds (Risperdal) because it really did sort out my hallucinations and suicidal ideation a few years back, but it's been such a long and I keep getting told that medication isn't going to help me so I'm reluctant to bring it up.

I have crisis counselling tomorrow. I know I'm going to feel fucking awful afterwards even if I don't talk about anything much. Just being there is enough to make me sick and ashamed.

I stole some of my Mum's diazepam earlier and my thoughts have been a little more coherent and less racing but it's worn off now and I can't get anymore. I'm tripling my Zopiclone so I'm running out of it fast.

I have a psych appointment in a couple of weeks but it's with the same one as before and I was so furious and upset afterwards I don't think it's worth it. I don't know, I keep getting told that there is nothing biologically wrong with me and that all I can do is keep fighting but I am so.fucking.tired and I want something, someone, to get back to a place where I can do that.