Turn left

So, I've come up with a sort of list in my head of what needs to change and whether or not I can make the changes myself (or atleast work on them with support) or if I feel like I need some 'medical' support, or psychiatric medical support, or whatever the term for it is.

I think that the psychiatrist should help me with medication to sort out the hallucinations and dissociative episodes, because I honestly don't see how I can sort those out for myself, or with talking type therapy. I am aware that I'm already on a fair few different drugs, and they all do something to help me - depression, mood swings, impulsivity, panic attacks, sleep - but they don't seem to do anything at all for the shadows and bugs and bits of my body being disconnected. So, ideally, I would like my meds to stay the same and have something added, Risperdal really worked well for me a few years back so I'd be willing to go back on that, and it's not addictive or 'recreational' at so I can't really see how it would be a problem. The only problem I do see with it is the amount of meds I would be taking, and how I am told over and over again that medication is useless in helping BPD. I'm not sure how I would get past that... I think that my low mood and suicidal ideation would go down if my head was quieter. I also think that my drinking would improve as I am using it to try and regulate all of this crap, to make my head shut up for a bit...

If that got sorted out, then I would have a better chance at reducing the self-harm, in the meantime I need to look after myself better, stop interfering with healing, go to A&E when I need to - I never used to have a problem with that but there have been a few too many times the last couple of weeks that I just haven't been able to bring myself to go and get looked at even though I *knew* I needed it.

I'm not getting very far in councelling, and maybe when things are a bit more stable I need to push myself to talk more. This is 100% my responsibility and I accept that I need to put the work in there. It is just so hard...

There are times when I am genuinely scared for my safety, of not being able to resist killing myself, the fear that I will eventually break down and do something drastic. I am not sure what they can do about that, if anything, I don't have my permanant address in Leicester yet so I can't access HTT...

If things don't work out tomorrow and nothing changes then I am going to have to let someone else stand up and fight my corner. I know that I have people here I can talk to and ask to do that and I appreciate it so much, I can't tell you. I feel better knowing that if it all goes to shit then I'm not completely isolated and alone.

Seriously, this is the clearest I've been able to think in weeks and even though it's all theoretical it atleast feels like there is the potential for things to change, but whether I will be listened to or taken seriously or anything will actually get done is a compeltely different matter...