It's just words they mean so little to me

I'm not that great
I really think I'm losing this fight
I just feel so.... bad inside

I try to distract myself but I get so restless
I can't stick to one book or one film or one album
I keep flicking constantly between things
It makes it really hard to get any kind of focus/engagement going

I've been drinking every day
I feel a lot less anxious
Less aware of my body and all the memories that go with it

I still see and hear things though
The walls are shaking
I SI and it stops for a bit
Then it just comes back
Bits of my body don't feel right
Don't feel connected

I feel like all I am doing is trying to reist killing myself
I just want it to stop
I don't know how this psych appointment is going to go
I want something to change
Specifically, to go back on Risperdal
But I am failing at keeping myself safe
I drink and cut and burn becuase they're the only thing that stop me overdosing or drowning myself
But I can't shake it off my thoughts
Seeing it all the time