Was she scared? Was she bored?

It all got too much the other night. The flashbacks and memories and thoughts are so bad, the panic and paranoia of everyone, even my best friend became a threat. I was 100% convinced that he would hurt me. I feel fucking awful about it. I don't deserve friends when I am like this. I just hurt them. I was so dissociated, the flat looked like a crime scene, my flatmate and best friend had to take me to A&E. I spent the night on a drip and left with 53 stitches. I can't even remember it. It didn't hurt. I just can't connect.

I saw a couple of psych nurses, tried sohard to explain everything, but it's like they don't listen or don't understand or maybe I'm just crap at explaining. They phoned my CPN who's going to see me next week, they said I had another psych appointment next month with that fuck awful one I saw the other week. I couldn't ask for a new one, I don't even know how, I just feel deflated.

I'm going to Download at the weekedand I'm not excited about it, I have a lot of gigs and travel booked up but a part of e just wants to fuck it all and completely fall apart. I feel awful but I don't feel bad about SI'ing. I just feen numb and dissociated and sick. I don't know...