I'll fight like Hell to hide that I've given up

I'm obbsessed with the idea of drowning myself. It seems so perfect. The world doesn't look right. My body doesn't feel right. Subtle changes. Corner of the eye stuff. Noise and voices at detuned low level. It's hardly anything but it bothers me. Scares me. My head and body is full of memories and violent ideas of revenge. I don't know what to do. I go to Germany tomorrow. I have plans I'm not prepared to put aside but the strain of keeping going and acting well is getting on top of me. But mostly I just feel like a lying, attention seeking fuckwit.

I fight like Hell and I end up back at the begining, or worse, why bother?

So. Germany. Bright Eyes in Berlin and Cologne. It's already breaking my heart that this is the last.ever.tour. I have these two dates and London and then Birmingham, Gateshead, Leeds and Manchester in July.

As is and unmotivated and on the edge of sanity I feel. I HAVE TO DO THIS. I have to go. I will regret it for the rest of my life if I give in and let it beat me. This is why I go to so many gigs. To just keep going. Right now it's so fucking hard. That's what it's like. The things that mean the entire fucking universe to you make you tired and anxious and out of touch. That's how it works.

I'm becoming incoherent. My thinking is all stitled. I can't think fluidly. Stop start stop start. But I'm going to Germany. That's it.