Back To The Start.

I let my self go over the last couple of weeks... more like a month actually. And I've gained enough weight to put me right back where I was when i started dieting again. FAIL! But I know that being depressed isn't an excuse for eating. I know that starving myself is my self-harm, and to be honest self-harm is what i need. I need to punish myself. I think I'm going to start the Skinny Girl Diet. I failed miserably at the ABC diet, even though I started off so well, and I lost about 5lbs in the first couple of weeks, but I messed up. I know that now. It's just such bad timing, why did I have to give up so close to the summer holidays, even though technically I'm already on the holidays because of exam leave. Everyone keeps asking about my exams, like I'm worried about them, I never was because I wasn't even going to do them, so whatever I get will be better than I would've before I got myself together a little.
I'm hungry now, but scared to look in the cupboards. The stuff that's quick and cheap, is the stuff that I can't have anymore.
Let's talk about all the wonderful things about being skinny... I like doing that:
I want to feel confident enough to leave my house, at the moment I just can't. Yesterday we needed milk so me and my boyfriend were going to go to the shop (which by the way is exactly across the road from me) and as soon as I stepped outside the front door my exact words were "I don't wanna be outside" In a childish manner and I hastily walked back in.
I want to make people so fucking jealous that they feel about themselves the way I feel about myself now. I want to show my skinny friends what skinny really looks like.
I want bones... bones that show even when I'm wearing clothes. Bones that make people say "Oh my god, you're so thin I can see your bones. It's gross."
I want people to worry, My boyfriend worries about me alot, but he's the only one who does. My mum wouldn't notice if I got so thin that I disappeared.
I want people to try and be like me, I have two friends in particular who copy any pretty girl on tv, make their hair like them, talk like them, even change their sexual preferences to be more like them and I'm not kidding. I want them to think that I'm pretty, beautiful, worth copying. I want them to see me and try to starve themselves to look like me, or even try and beat me, and I want them to fail.
I want everyone to be scared, I want people to whisper about how thin I am, and how they think I need help. I want people to give me information on clinics and such because they want me to get better, even though they didn't give a shit about me when I was fat.
No one cares about a fat girl, people dislike her, people make fun of her. People talk about me, I know they do. People hate me even though they don't know me, if they did know me they'd hate me even more. I'm a bad person. I don't care if they hate me, but I'd prefer it if they hated me because they wanted to be me.
I want to look like Alice when she shrank in her dress in Alice in Wonderland. I just wish I could wear whatever I want and look amazing. When I go to the shop to pick up something small I spend the same amount of time getting ready as I would going into town to meet friends, which I never do anymore. And I ALWAYS wear heels. They make my legs look longer and thinner, fuck I wish I was taller. I'm 5"4 and have been since I was, like, 12, I blame smoking, I started smoking when I was 7 (fucking ridiculous I know. But I started everything early, drinking, drugs, wearing thongs, the whole jobby.) and I think it's the source of my shortness... although my Mum isn't much taller. I want to be able to throw on anything, with out even looking and look great.
I want to just feel worthy of something. I want to be smaller than every one else. I blame the Bible. The Bible started it. No one would've ever been so harsh towards someone being anything more than a skeleton if it had not have been a sin. Ancient greeks believed that the most beautiful women were the women who were curvy, the ones with the stomachs that I can't stand to look at, but then the Bible came along and said Gluttony is a sin... Fucking dicks. They stated it. Then magazines came, and pornography came, and television came and the internet came.

I want to be dying.
I know this is a rant... And i know that no one will ever read this but me. No one reads my blog. No one will ever notice me. I wanna cry.