The bitter end

"It's a perfect day for letting go..."

- Robert Smith

I weighed myself in Boots yesterday and got a weight of 11st 12lbs and a BMI of 28.5. This is the heaviest I have ever been, ever, even after the year I came out of IP and ate whatever the fuck I wanted for months and then eventually ended up with COE gained upto a BMI of 27 something.

Well, I have some news for you, Eating Disorder, we are about to part ways for good. I do not need to compulsively overeat, to binge, to throw up or to starve myself. COE, BED, Bulimia, Anorexia, EDNOS, fuck off!

I am going to lose three stone and get my healthy, slim body back and see it for what it is. I am going to go swimming every day even if I feel like complete shit. I am going to eat above the 'starvation diet' amount of calories around eat around 1500 calories a day like all the sensible websites suggest. I am not going to use my own scale, in fact I might ever throw it out or at least put it somewhere out of sight and mind.

By the time it's uni again I will fit into a size 10 and be happy with that. I won't want less. I won't want skinny. I won't want anything under 120lbs.

This will not spiral into an eating disorder because it is an eating disorder I am trying to escape from, the evil clutches of bulimia and binging that make me feel a million times worse about myself and my life than anorexia ever did.

This is me and my mind, battling it out, and I WILL fucking win.

When the weight's come off I am going to cut back on the exercise, increase the calories, and maintain a healthy, 'comfortable in my own skin' weight.

Something that has eluded me for nearly a decade.

This is me and I am telling myself that I can and will do this.

That food is going to become neither enemy nor comfort.

That I can be normal.

That my relationship with food will be healthy, enjoyable and rational.