Angels for everyone

"And if you were with me tonight
I'd sing to you one last time
A song for a heart so big
God wouldn't let it life"
- Jimmy Eat World

It's been two years since the beautiful Elin Julie's suicide but not a single second that she's not missed or thought about. I feel so terribly sad, for all the times she said she was worried about me. I'm thinking of London and how much of a selfish bitch I was being so stupid and ill and inflicting myself on beautiful, wonderful people. I am thinking of my best friend of that time, an ex SH member, who pretty much dropped me as soon as she got what she wanted out of me. I am thinking of how different I look now, at my highest weight that technically makes me overweight and how people must be thinking I've let myself go or am greedy or have no self-control. Stupid thoughts. I am thinking of all the friendships I've fucked up through being ill, either not eating or just being drunk and drugged and not in control and making shit situations both for myself and people who I love. I am thinking that I don't deserve forgivness.

Most of all I am thinking that the world has lost someone truly beautiful, genuinely kind and altogether wonderful. My heart is with everyone that loved her and is thinking of her today. All we can do is make her proud.