Ruefully Ambivalent

Sure as the sun gonna shine tomorrow you can bet your bottom dollar that I'll still be ruefully ambivalent about this tragedy before us.

Just like how someone else gets invited out to a drink with someone, you can bet that I had that moment and got over it in the same breath.

Like all the beautiful candies of misery that once drove me so wonderfully insane are now nothing but sour grapes, my spirit allows for little to enter it these days.

And frankly I like it. This is a good change.

Some rude person decided to flip me off the other day, and I didn't even react. The girlfriend of this person was staring at me in the mirror of her car in mild disbelief. I think she might have been inexperienced with ruefull ambivalence in action.

I don't care. Make your stupid gestures. Be part of the hostility and insanity that is killing our culture and destroying our society.

The fact of the matter is this is the strongest position one can possibly hope to take.

The only downside is the lack of pleasure. Even getting what I want is hollow and predictable therefore it holds no elation nor prize to achieve.

Some people have to make this choice. Lest we become monsters that plague the lives of others.

Mariah Carey - Bye Bye

I still miss her a lot.
I know I'm. Drop of tears which are sticking on my eye lashes now and my sticky wet cheeks have showed that... I really miss her.

Well, I thought I can overcome my emotion after several attempts of holding back my tears - sadly, it's not tonight. Grandma's spirit will return to her house tomorrow night and all of us will be back and ready for another ceremony.

I guess some of you who have never heard of the Chinese's belief might be shock with my words "Grandma's spirit will return to her house". According to the Chinese, during the 16th day (I'm not sure about this honestly) of death, the spirit of the people will go back to their own houses.

That's the time in which they will have their favorite food, visit their family and do things that they love to do before they really go.

I know, it sounds like in the TV drama as it might sound ridiculous to some of you. To be frank, I'm not sure how true it is. Well, I don't mind. Since none of us know the exact 'event' happens after death- either you are living in another 'world' or you're really gone forever. So, I will go back to hear house tomorrow and do the ceremony.

Right now, I've been thinking:

What if there are really spirits in this world?
What if my grandma really turn into a spirit?
What if she really come back to her house?
What if she has a message/messages to tell everyone of us here?

What if there are no spirits?
What if my grandma will not return as a spirit?
What if my grandma is gone and no longer here?

I'm not sure are there "heaven and hell" in this world where your enemy will be waiting you in hell; or your loved one will be watching you and guarding you in the haven. It's too subjective and it's depend on which one you want to believe. As for me, I believe there is "heaven and hell". Well, I've my own religion and belief right?

Thinking about these questions have made me realized that, I still miss my granny and deep in my heart, I terribly wishing her to come back. I don't care how insane I may sound here. I guess, it's a normal feeling for someone who has just lost someone important, someone who they love a lot.

Just flipped through my photo album and found out these 3 photos:

During 2004

Her birthday - 2004

I found this photo in her little drawer which was placed next to her bed. She kept this photo with her all the time. I remembered how my hands were shaking as I hold the photo close to my chest. I thought she doesn't love me as much as others. Since then, I know how wrong I was. silly me!

I don't know why my tears just can't stop right now. It has been nearly half and hour. I guess, it's because of the memories and this song, "Bye Bye" from Mariah Carey.

During the last day of my grandma's funeral ceremony, my cousin told me he had coincidentally heard a song from Mariah Carey- Bye Bye from the radio when we has in the car. He was surprised with the lyric and touched by the words.

Lucky enough, one of my net friend sent the song to me few days later and since then, I've been listening to the song for thousands of time.

I should claimed that, this is MY SONG!!!



BYE BYE - Mariah Carey

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye
No, no, no

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye

As a child there were them times
I didn't get it
But you kept me in line
I didn't know why
You didn't show up sometimes
On Sunday mornings and I missed you
But I'm glad we talked through

All them grown folk things
Separation brings
You never let me know it
You never let it show
Because you loved me and obviously
There's so much more left to say
If you were with me today
Face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

You never got a chance to see
How good I've done
And you never got to
See me back at number one
I wish that you were here
To celebrate together
I wish that we could
Spend the holidays together

I remember when you used to
Tuck me in at night
With the teddy bear you gave me
That I held so tight
I thought you were so strong
You'd make it through whatever
It's so hard to accept the fact
You're gone forever

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye

This is for my peoples
Who just lost somebody
Your best friend, your baby
Your man or your lady
Put your hand way up high
We will never say bye

Mamas, daddies, sisters, brothers
Friends and cousins
This is for my peoples
Who lost their grandmothers
Lift your head to the sky
Cause we will never say bye, bye.

I never knew I could hurt like this
And everyday life goes on I wish
I could talk to you for a while
Miss you but I try not to cry
As time goes by

And it's true that you've
Reached a better place
Still I'd give the world to see your face
And be right here next to you
But it's like you're gone too soon
Now the hardest thing to do is say

Bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye, bye bye, bye bye
Bye bye




I guess, Mariah Carey write this song for herself too. Thanks for this lovely song, Mariah Carey. You've sang this beautifully.
Grandma, I miss you.