Waking up in the water

I did some problem solving/mapping for my anxiety last night and it really helped calm my head down a bit, this book I'm reading is really good, I'd be interested in actually doing CBT 'for real' if the chance ever came up, though I doubt it would because there are no services for it around here or Leicester, as far as I know, it feels different to DBT, like it's helping you with your thoughts and not just the behaviours, I don't know, maybe it's because I'm reading it from a book and making my own way through it.



I didn't self harm or drink last night and I feel okay about that today. My anxiety has been really bad today but I've got through it without hurting myself, hopefully I can keep it going through this evening and tonight.



I had a good counselling session, although I'm still not talking much about the rapes at all but I guess evetually it will get easier, or maybe it'll get harder, who knows... Nevertheless I always feel shaky and anxious and paranoid when I leave, like someone is following me there and spying on me, it's completely irrational but it still feels real. The counting has been bad today, too, I think triggered by the high levels of anxiety, it's still not settled down but atleast it's not a 'dangerous' coping mechanism and I feel like it's okay to count and check if it's keeping the self-harm at bay.



I didn't take my meds Sun/Mon and looking back on it I can see that it fucked my head up, that I got suicidal and paranoid and buggy, which on the one hand makes me relieved because the meds are actually doing something, and on the other hand makes me feel pathetic that I need to be so heavily drugged just to function at a base level.