"The same way I came down, I went back up ... gradually, and suddenly."Prozac Nation by Elizabeth Wurtzel
Right now there is no dark attraction or inclination to relapse in my eating disorder.
I'm not exactly happy about my weight or size, but I can go out and feel okay about myself, do my hair, paint my face, tattoos, piercings, and I feel content in my own skin. I don't feel the hatred towards it that was so constant for so many years.
Today I brought size 14 clothes and didn't think twice about it. I went out with my mum for hot chocolate and whipped cream. I ate pizza and tasted it, enjoyed it, I wasn't even tempted to drink wine with my friends.
I know that people love and accept me for who I am and I am trying damn hard to do the same.
Love is a strong word and maybe I'll never get there, never shout from the rooftops or dance naken in the moonlight. But being able to enjoy food, not think about it and look in the mirror without feeling an intense hatred and anger and failure.
It is something that I genuinely never thought I would have. Relapsing doesn't even feel like an option anymore. I have my good body image days and I have my bad ones, but they don't ruin and consume me like they once did.
I can see the reality of eating disorders, I can see and realise what I did to myself and accept that I was desprately sick. I lost myself for so long but in the process I became so much stronger on the way out.
Elsewhere things are better than they have been in a really long time. The current cocktail of meds I'm on actually feel like they are doing something (120mg Duloxetine, 100mg Seroquel, 300mg Seroquel XR, 200mg Lamictal, 7.5mg Zopiclone) my mood is fairly stable, my anxiety and depression are lifting, flashbacks and nightmares and pyschotic symptoms are under control and my impulsive and self-harming behaviours have improved drastically - no SI for over a month, no reckless spending, binge eating, generally self-destructive. I'm aware of how many chemicals are going through my brain and changing the way my brain works but if I feel better then surely it's got to be worth it?
Therapy is... completely fucking draining to be honest but I am gritting my teeth and getting through it. I have more of a connection with S that I have ever had with a professional before and she just 'gets' me and I find myself opening up to her more than I have ever been able to before. She gets me to think and talk about stuff that I have never even admitted to myself. We talked about the rape last time, the how/when/where/who's of it more than on an emotional level aand she became genuinely angry on my behalf, firmly telling me that all the things I have ever thought or said to make it okay and blame myself are false and that it absoluely WAS NOT MY FAULT.
I needed that so much and even though I don't believe it fully I think that I've gone from 99% certain I was to blame to about 80%... Which is more than an improvement. This shit is gonna be hard but this time I'm not quitting when it gets tough, I'm sticking it out, for as long as it takes, every little thought or feeling that's going on, all the little things that add up and increase just through life, various abuse/bullying, a violent and ultimately sexual abusive relation, the aftermath, the way I feel now, the consequences, the guilt, the flashbacks and dissociations that make me feel like I am back there all over again, the fear of summer, how it affects my relationships, how the child on child abuse is a terrifying thing to think, let alone speak...
Through all these years of treatment, I finally have someone that I feel actually gives a shit about me and who will listen and believe and help me challenge and ultimately 'get over it'.
I'm determinded to get through it, however long it takes and however painful it is. I'm in.
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