Not Afraid

I had 2 b/p's on Sunday - my first in ages and for a moment I remembered all the reasons why I used to do it regularly and none of the reasons as to why I made such a huge effort to stop. The stress and anxiety of becoming flat mates with someone with active ED'ed behaviours is something I'm not coping with as well as I would have wanted... I feel so incredibly vulnerable. Doing a bit better now, though.. Back to ED's... I sort of feel like relapse is not an option - there is too many good things in my life that I wouldn't risk for anything, especially an ED. I have so much more self-esteem and confidence now than I ever had losing weight. I feel like I'm starting to fit and fill my own skin, sometimes it feels incredibly uncomfortable and I panic, but the times that it feels good and like I'm becoming a person in my own right and building my own identity away from mental health and ED's are worth it.

Food aside I got discharged from non-ED day treatment after being there since July... I feel quite emotional about it, I met some really nice people and it helped through a really rough summer. I'm still getting up tothe theraputic dosage of Lamictal but so far I'm finding it one of the best meds I've tried, taking Cymbalta and Seroquel (XR and normal) alongside it (and sometimes Zopiclone) and I'm still in DBT and had a couple of sessions with the pychotherapist whom I'm paying to see and who has nothing to do with the NHS or my CMHT... Still waiting to be allocated a new CPN and the pyschiatrist I've been seeing since 2007 (and who I got the BPD diagnosis from) is leaving so I'll probably never see him again which feels a bit weird after being under his care for so long (even if sometimes I felt like he was hopeless) but I've seen one in Leicester a couple of times so it's not like I'll be starting completely afresh... It feels like the end of an era in a way.

It also feels like a lot to be taking and doing from the system but I'm tying to come to grips with that and accept that I deserve it and that I'm doing the right thing.