I feel so torn between losing the plot completely and fighting like Hell to get myself as far away from all this crap before going back to uni....
And then I feel even worse because it's like I have that choice and I desperately feel like a fraud who just 'acts at being crazy' and invalid....
Then I start to feel crap about even questioning it and I feel so stupidily unsafe that I want to kill myself just to make the choice stop and I get angry that nobody seems to be listening which reinforces the idea that I am merely seeking attention or something...
The I think about the next couple of weeks and the anxiety and paraonia that threatens to cloud over me and how much I don't want to walk through that fire and to just duck out early...
Then, eventually, I think about uni and my new flat and my new friends and how much I can't wait to be back there and to achieve something and be something other than a mental health patient, or a borderline, or a former anorexic...
I just wish I didn't have to go through that whole cycle over and over and over again constantly. It's so easy to lose faith in the middle of it and not get to the 'eventually' phases.
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