After Anorexia

I'm going through a bit of a rough patch, thinking wise.

I'm trying to deal with my flatmate who is seriously anorexic. I feel so helpless and at the same time pissed off that I am trying to help and it's not getting through. I know that's inevitable, but a part of me really thought that I could be useful in that way, but I'm not.

It hits home how far away I am from my own illness. I've had a tough time with depression related binging and weight gain, to the point that I am now quite overweight, but even that doesn't bother me in the way that it would at one time. For most of my life I whole-heartedly believed that being thin was the only thing in the world worth caring about and that being fat meant being weak and disgusting. Losing weight was the only thing I would ever be good at, the only thing I would ever achieve, the only way I would feel accopmplishment or contentment or pride.

Now I don't feel those things, of course I would like to drop the excess weight and be healthy again, but for me that's not something I want to happen dramatically and quickly. I'm happy enough to try and reduce the binging behaviours, get more active now I feel motivated to do stuff and let time and nature take over. I've thought about diets a lot and have come to the conclusion that they're not an option for me. I'm not willing to do something drastic that is going to give me a short-term result, I want this to be for the rest of my life, to get healthy and back into shape for keeps, and that means not losing a huge amount of weight or not eating enough or counting caloires. Just healthy choices and exercise that are part of my life, not the whole, sole purpose of it. I have a genuine love for food, for going out with friends to eat and going to the supermarket. But it's no longer an obbsession. It's not something that I really think about. I don't feel guilty about eating.

I accept that I've had a shit few months that have taken a toll on my weight but I'm not willing to invest all of myself into changing that. I feel better when I eat right, whether that's making sure I eat enough or not binging. I don't feel any pleasure in eating less or throwing up or binging. I don't want those things in my life. Trying to get back on track after this latest bout of depression has made me all the more determinded to make the most of life, and to make the most of myself. I feel like I've got a bit of myself back and there's no way that I'd give that up 'to be thin'.

I don't even feel like the same girl I was when I was anorexic. I've remoulded my entire appearence way beyond size and weight. Different hair, different make-up, different clothes, tattoos, piercings, dye.. Everything has been reconstruced and most of the time I am happy with what I've built. I have ugly days, bad hair days, but I'm more confident with the way that I look and take a lot more time looking after myself than I ever did when I was skeletal. I am more attractive. I'm not saying that I feel attractive but that I can see the difference in my non-size related appearence and that it looks a million times better now than it did a few years ago.

This weekend marked five years since I got out of the Eating Disorder Unit.

For a long time I didn't have any real sense of what things were like back then, mainly names and places and a fuckload of numbers and weights and calories. Recently I have started to remember things as they were, not through that horrible nostalgic haze where you're convinced that everything was better then, but how things truly were. I think this is mainly where I'm struggling;

These memories are mine, I know that, but at the same time they're not. I have burnt things and shredded things until nothing was left, so how can I reconnect to that life that I've delibrately and painfully destroyed.

It scares me to remember all those near death experiances. Prehaps that sounds melodramtic, maybe it is, but I can remember those moments of not being able breathe or stand or walk. Remembering how my Dad used to come into my room all through the night to check I still had a pulse, how I'd pretend to be asleep but really listening to them making endless phonecalls to the psychiatrist or my sisters or just arguing or crying.

It no longer matters about numbers, what I weighed or what I ate. I no longer look back and see it through those terms. I see everything else, and the everything else hurts like fuck.

I am a different person, if not wholly recovered from food/weight demons, they're still there, but in terms of anorexia and low weight and restriction, I'm a different person.

The trouble is, there's a living, breathing, moving version of that girl sleeping in the next room, and being around her makes me feel vulnerable and desprately sad. I know that I could wake her up and talk to her like I'm talking now, but I know that it wouldn't make any difference, it wouldn't make her stop, and I'm not coping all that well with that knowledge.

I'm Better Than You

 What's our fixation with being better than everyone else?
Isn't it better just to be ones best self?

 I come from a family which has been free since long before the beginning on the Civil War.
The lighter skinned Black children of slave owners in Louisiana were often given educations and the rights and ownership of property.
My Families have donated land for churches and schools for their communities.
As someone recently said to me, "You have a good name."
But I am not my name.
I am not defined by what those who came before me did or did not do.
I am not defined by membership in any group or organization.

But many members of my family think that they are better than those around them.
My grandmother was member of the first class to integrate the nursing program of a local university.
But the thing I could never stand was her constant need to become a member of some 'exclusive' group.
Why join a sorority which is just an imitation of that which you claim to despise?
The thing I could not understand was that most of these groups were founded to exclude others because those founding these groups were excluded from joining the parallel white groups.

 If I have to sit through another affectational cotillion which favors light skinned Blacks over the darker ones I'm through.

 If I have to listen to the 'Sisters' of my grandmother, aunts and cousins tell me how 'important' the Eastern Stars are I'm joining the Klan.

 If I have to listen to another pitch from the 'brothers' of my grandfather, uncles or cousins in the Prince Hall Masons or Knights of Peter Claver for membership I'm leaving town.

 If I have to hear someone brag about membership in Jack and Jill I'm moving to the hood.

Hint: If you need classes to learn the social mores of a certain class, chances are that you are not a member of that class.

Sure, sometimes I'll use these connections when it suits me.
Like Paul in the Bible stressing his Roman citizenship when it suited him, I'll mention my family ties to get people to just shut the eff up.
But most people in the South still think we are living in the Antebellum South.
Many of the traditions here go back hundreds of years.
Most ways of thinking are still those of centuries past.
When I tell someone that they are not limited to the thinking of others, "That's because you're light", or "have good hair", or "come from a good family", most say.
But shouldn't this carry even more weight?
If I was poor, dark, had bebees and was actually ugly - wouldn't those hearing this think that I was only saying that these traits didn't matter because I didn't have those traits often thought to be superior?

Look, people are going to be treated as being inferior as long as they think that they are inferior.
People are going to settle for less as long as they think that's all they deserve.
Until people begin to exercise their free will and exert their personal responsibility/authority they will always be subjugated by another group.
People are going to chase status until they realize that the trick is to let those who have status seek them.
People remain in the hood for generation after generation because many believe that that is where they belong.

Your Value

Even the government recognizes what you know or what you do as being of value.
Even when no real money is exchanged when bartering for services - one may still be liable for taxes.
Insurance companies attempt to calculate what one might have earned if they would have continued to produce when trying to figure out ones Human Life Value.
Judges often weigh the social impact (education, volunteer work, membership in churches or philanthropic organizations, etc.) of a person when handing out sentences.
When one dies, what he'd done for others is mentioned more often than what he owned.

But most people value themselves by what they have and not by who they are.
In my younger years - my status was my identity.
When describing me, the description of my material goods or social status was all that people would mention.
But who wants to be defined by what they own?
Isn't that limiting?

As an test of my character I gave everything away.
I wanted to know if my generosity was just given from my abundance or whether it was part of my substance.
I wanted to know whether I was good or just lucky.
I wanted to do well but not at the expense of others.
I wanted to know whether I was of any real value beyond that of which I owned.

As of now, I'm still not sure.
Most of my attempts at helping others have failed.
Most of the money given away has been wasted.
Most of the time spent trying to teach others could have been spent doing more for myself.
I think that by helping others I've increased my self worth but diminished that of others who are now even more dependant.

Nappy Headed Ho's

 Most people were not offended when jokes were made about how ugly the Celtics' teams were from the 80's.
Sure, they won games but they were easy fodder for comedians and commentators.
The jokes are always funny when they are not about you.

The2007 Rutgers women's team cleaned up for this photo - but none of these women would stop traffic for being good looking.
When Don Imus noted that these were some "Nappy Heaed Ho's" - much of the Blackosphere was up in arms.

I walked by as a group of women were watching a recent women's basketball game.
As I noted that one of the girls playing basketball was kind of cute - all the women agreed.
As I noted that most of the others were kind of rough looking - most of these women became angry.
"You were probably mad when Imus called the women from Rutgers "Nappy Headed Ho's", I said.
This set of a maelstrom from these ladies.
"That was 'racist'", they all said.
"Why? They were all kind of rough.", I said.
"But it wasn't his place to say that.", they said.
"Why? He talks about current events.", I said.

As I brought back the jokes made about the Celtics from the 80's - most of these women agreed that that was an ugly team.
"That's because you don't identify as being one of them." I said.
"You see yourselves as being "Nappy Headed Ho's.", I continued.
"All those aspirational brands, all that makeup, all those weaves and perms, all that bling and being able to dive better cars and live in better neighborhoods does not mask the fact that you are trying to hide your own lack of self worth.", I finished.

These women are still mad at me.

Architectural Inspiration

First things first, darlings! The winner of CC's Love At First Blush Leather Cuff Giveaway is the lovely Styleezta ~ congrats!

Architectural inspiration courtesy nuevo-estilo.es.

Bottega Veneta printed silk asymmetric tunic dress; this and next at net-a-porter.com.

Marie-Helene de Taillac 20-karat gold green quartz chandelier earrings.

Diane von Furstenberg Stephanie bracelet clutch; this and next at shopbop.com.

Jean-Michel Cazabat Zilla reversed sequin pumps.

Darlings, what do you think of this space and the look it inspired?

xoxox,

CC

Status?

 I'm not really a big fan of Ralph Lauren's Polo line - it seems a bit too pretentious for me.
But I do wear the plain sweatshirts if there is a chance that I'll get dirty or wet.
I have some friends who always invite me out on their boats.
I'm not into yachting but I seem to have the right clothes for it.

 While wearing an old shirt from school, everyone seemed to want to know where I got my old WMYC gear from.
Going to school on Oahu, Lahaina was just a short flight away.

On another occasion, I wore an old sweatshirt from an old America's cup race which is signed by Dennis Conner.
(The parents of an ex got them for me from a charity fund raiser back-in-the-day.)
The old guys at the local yacht club knew exactly who the guy was.
From wearing these old nondescript items I've managed quite a few invites to lunches, dinners and parties.
Who knew that casually wearing old clothes was an easy ticket to some of our local inner circles?

Good Choice

 There is more than one way to do anything - sometimes either choice would be fine.

 Either Megan Fox or Meagan Good?

 Either Wong Kar Wai,

Or Akira Kurosawa.
Sometimes it just come down to ones personal preferences.

Extended Childhood

 Yeah, Kim is baad - but I'm not keeping up with anyone on television.
I've got things to do.

 But why do so many fixate on the lives of those they don't even know.

 Of those they'll probably never even meet?

 On the lives of those which have no impact on their own lives?
Isn't this what children do?
Don't adults have real concerns?

 But while most Americans are focused on pop-culture - the world has real problems with which to deal.

 From Lebanon, to Tunisia to

Egypt.
Adults don't wish to be lulled into an extended childhood and told what to do, what to think, or how to act for their entire lives.

Why do the media continue to produce reality television?
To keep the population under control like children.
If we were forced to think and do for ourselves - maybe America would become just as volatile.
If we were forced to become responsible for our own well being - maybe we would not put so much faith in our failing institutions and beliefs.
If we were forced to learn and grow - maybe our eyes would be opened.
Maybe we would actually become conscious.

Nigga' Please

 Called a "Nigger".

 Called a "Nigger".

 Called a "Nigger".

Called themselves "Nigga's".

The only Negroes offended by the word "Nigga'" are those who still think of themselves as being Niggers.
Those who still think that they have something to prove.
Those who still feel inferior and feel as though, in reality, they are not even close to being good enough.
Those who use self-aggrandizing titles or names to prove their worth.
Those who bought into the belief that having more material goods is more important than having good character.
Those who only wish to be accepted by those they pretend to hate (When in reality all they do is emulate those same people.).
Those who are not really mad at an oppressive system - only that they are the ones being oppressed by said system.
But what do you think of when someone calls you a "Nigga'"?
What about a "Nigger"?
What do you think when you call someone else a "Nigga'"?
What about when you call someone else a "Nigger"?

If thinking that the actions of another are somehow 'seeting us back 100 years' - maybe your way of thinking is still 100 years in the past.

That's Offensive?

 The dude is just using what he has to get what he wants - what's wrong with that?
His logo is just a caricature of himself made to resemble the Colonel's logo - how is this a reflection of Black people as a whole?

 Are Irish-Americans upset because Notre Dame uses the short, fighting image which continues the stereotype of the Irish?

 Do all whites feel as though they are pirates or rough because Oakland uses such an image as their mascot?

 Or do they feel like Tampa Bay's old gay version of a pirate?

 I'm a fan of UNLV - but their Yosemite Sam-like logo portrays whites as buffoonish.

 Do white people view themselves as pale, poorly dressed, Ginger, clowns?

Look, Flav works the place, Flav owns the place - the man is just trying to make a living.

Beauty Pack #23