No matter how many times that you told me you wanted to leaveNo matter how many breaths that you took you still couldn't breathe
No matter how many nights that you lied wide awake to the sound of the poison rain
Where did you go? where did you go? where did you go?
Heart beat, a heart beat, I need a... heart beat, a heart beat...
Tell me would you kill to save for a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn
This hurricane is chasing us all underground.
No matter how many deaths that I die, I will never forget
No matter how many lives I live, I will never regret
There's a fire inside this heart and a riot about to explode into flames
Where is your God? Where is your God? Where is your God? ...
Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to torture for my sins?
Do you really want?
[heart beat, a heart beat]
Do you really want me?
[I need a.. heart beat, a heart beat]
Do you really want me dead?
[you know I gotta leave, I can't stay,
I know I gotta go, I can't stay]
Or alive to live a lie?
Tell me would you kill to save a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn
This hurricane's chasing us all underground
You say you wrong, you wrong, I'm right, I'm right, you're wrong, we fight
Ok, I'm running from the light, running from the day to night
Oh, the quiet silence defines our misery
The riot inside keeps trying to visit me
No matter how we try, it's too much history
Too many bad notes playing in our symphony
So let it breathe, let it fly, let it go
Let it fall, let it crash, burn slow
And then you call upon God
Oh you call upon God
Tell me would you kill to save a life?
Tell me would you kill to prove you're right?
Crash, crash, burn let it all burn
This hurricane chasing us all underground
This hurricane...
Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to torture for my sins?
Do you really want?
Do you really want me?
Do you really want me dead?
Or alive to live a lie
Running away from the night, running away from the light
Running away to save your life
- Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars
I am in love with this song at the minute, I tried to cover it last night but my voice and guitar playing were terrible!
I am finding it really difficult to cope with this overwhelming feeling of rejection I've been sitting with all week. A lot of people aren't speaking to me right now, not just people but friends, real friends who were right up on my list of awesome people. I cried myself to sleep last night because people are abandoning me, and that brings out my 'personality disorder' and all the destructive urges and fucked up feelings that go with it. Even the friend who called the police isn't speaking to me. That hurts. It makes me angry because I think well why fuck up my suicide attempt by intervening (because I persume you care about me) and then not speak to me... I get angry and pissed off because I feel like I'm owed an explanation and that I need to put things right straight away.
I know that I am difficult and I am especially difficult at the minute, because it's summer, and summer is hard and I just want to self-destruct over the season to take away the fucking pain of remembering everything and it makes me do stupid things, like drink too much and overdose, but when I'm doing that crap I am not 'me' because I am so fucking absent from it and then I come back to myself and think 'fucking Hell, I am such a cunt!'
All I want is to put right what's gone wrong...
Tilly is keeping me busy and taking my mind off things (although sometimes I just have to put her to bed because I can't cope and then I feel gulty and worthless because I can't even look after my kitten and love her as much as she needs me too...) and the extra Seroquel and feeling a little woozy during the day isn't such a bad thing... Although it feels more like I can't be bothered to act on the urges rather than them going away... The night time is still awful and the slightest thing makes me drop right back down again, but then the slightest thing can make me insanely happy/excited...
I feel so vulnerable and delicate and breakable and it scares me... It scares me knowing that the flashbacks and nightmares will just get worse and worse and that the noise will just get louder or turn into a voice...
I am finding it really difficult to cope with this overwhelming feeling of rejection I've been sitting with all week. A lot of people aren't speaking to me right now, not just people but friends, real friends who were right up on my list of awesome people. I cried myself to sleep last night because people are abandoning me, and that brings out my 'personality disorder' and all the destructive urges and fucked up feelings that go with it. Even the friend who called the police isn't speaking to me. That hurts. It makes me angry because I think well why fuck up my suicide attempt by intervening (because I persume you care about me) and then not speak to me... I get angry and pissed off because I feel like I'm owed an explanation and that I need to put things right straight away.
I know that I am difficult and I am especially difficult at the minute, because it's summer, and summer is hard and I just want to self-destruct over the season to take away the fucking pain of remembering everything and it makes me do stupid things, like drink too much and overdose, but when I'm doing that crap I am not 'me' because I am so fucking absent from it and then I come back to myself and think 'fucking Hell, I am such a cunt!'
All I want is to put right what's gone wrong...
Tilly is keeping me busy and taking my mind off things (although sometimes I just have to put her to bed because I can't cope and then I feel gulty and worthless because I can't even look after my kitten and love her as much as she needs me too...) and the extra Seroquel and feeling a little woozy during the day isn't such a bad thing... Although it feels more like I can't be bothered to act on the urges rather than them going away... The night time is still awful and the slightest thing makes me drop right back down again, but then the slightest thing can make me insanely happy/excited...
I feel so vulnerable and delicate and breakable and it scares me... It scares me knowing that the flashbacks and nightmares will just get worse and worse and that the noise will just get louder or turn into a voice...
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