A Long Way Down

"I was begining to realise an important truth about suicide: failure is as hurtful as success, and is likely to provoke even more anger, because there's no grief with which to water it down."

- Nick Hornby

My pysch didn't think my OD was serious and that I didn't do it to kill myself because today I was able to talk about uni/the future etc etc. Then I tried to talk about seeing/hearing things and he said it was just anxiety, again, and when my Dad told him he was unhappy that I didn't get properly referred to Leicester services and that I pretty much did it myself he told a blatant lie and said that he had got in touch with a therapist over there when I know for a fact that he didn't because I had to go to a GP and wait monthss. He pretty much said that it takes a long time to 'recover' from BPD, that I need to finish DBT before they will consider anything else and that I am a lot better than before I went to uni and I've made improvements.

I got an extra 100mg of Seroquel and he said he would consider this new day hospital that they've got.

Fortunately, I just said that the summer was tough because of bad memories and he didn't push it because he said it would be unhelpful to 'go into detail'. My Dad's invalidation still hurts me a lot...

I don't know whether to feel let down or what. Maybe I am wanting more than they are able to give me. Maybe this whole process is going to take years, the rest of my life...

I don't want to die today and I don't hate life. I don't think I ever really want to die but just kill the part of me that hurts and rememebers. I don't know how to deal with flashbacks healthily, I don't know how to just sit and feel everything because it is so intense and unbearable. It's hard to go out and walk the streets when you freak out about the people around you and feel threatened and scared, especially when you are not sure what is real and what is not.

I am trying hard to make plans because plans always help. I just feel a bit like everybody has had enough of me and wants to jump ship. I don't want to be a bad person, or even a person that does bad things, but I am and it hurts.

The crisis team don't want anything to do with me, they actively ignore my calls or put the phone down and I try hard to reach out, 'in real life', and it's like no-one is listening and I know that could be just me feeling all horrible about everything but a little bit of it has come from truth, whether past or present, it's happened before. I want to be hugged and comforted and told everything is gonna be okay, but people have done that with me time and time and time again and maybe they don't have the time for it anymore. I would do anything to turn that around though, to put right all the mistakes and bullshit and rebuild my relationship with just about everyone in my life. Because I do love everyone in it immensely, I'm just a cunt sometimes.

I am re-reading a book called 'A Long Way Down' by Nick Hornby at the minute and it is helping a lot.

"Even bad times have good things in them to make you feel alive."

"Human beings are millions of things in one day."

"Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go."

"Asking the head I have now to explain its own thinking is as pointless as dialing your own telephone number on your own telephone: Either way, you get an engaged signal. Or your own answer message, if you have that kind of phone system."

"And I don’t know what difference it made, this sudden flash. It wasn’t like I wanted to, you know, grab life in a passionate embrace and vow never to let it go until it let go of me. In a way, it makes things worse, not better. Once you stop pretending that everything’s shitty and you can’t wait to get out of it, which is the story I’d been telling myself for a while, then it gets more painful, not less. Telling yourself life is shit is like an anesthetic, and when you stop taking the Advil, then you really can tell how much it hurts, and where, and it’s not like that kind of pain does anyone a whole lot of good."

"And another way of explaining it is to say that shit happens, and there's no space too small, too dark and airless and fucking hopeless, for people to crawl into."