So, apparantly, I'm 23...I don't feel like it, I feel like a child half the time and an old, old lady the rest. My anxieties and fears are incredibly childlike, my thinking goes completely magical (if I do this then this won't happen, I NEED to do that so something bad won't happen etc etc) and the opposite of that I guess is the giddy excitement that certain things bring me, yet I feel like I have age in my heart. So many people close to me have died or left me or betrayed me or just plain got sick of me. I am on a constant edge of fear and loneliness.
It's been a decade since I started to develop problems with food, it has probably been longer as I am only just becoming aware of how my childhood affected me and possibly caused the weight gain I experianced. I have hated my body forever.
Yesterday, we went out for a meal. On my eighteenth birthday, five years ago, we did the same thing. Being in the grip of anorexia I only ate a salad. Something in me yesterday wanted to prove something, to show that I am not that person now, I am not that stress and worry for my parents. I ate a whole meal and half of a dessert. I wanted to purge, but I didn't. I came home and went swimming. An extra half a kilometre to ease the anxiety that the meal left me with. To undo any possible damage to my diet.
A part of me is still that person, a part of me always will be, and maybe that's why I feel like a child half of the time, because I was only a child when I started to deprive myself, judge myself, focus on food and weight and not the 'real world'. My personality never developed past that point.
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